Sunday, November 21, 2010

I hate why do I still put myself through it?

Ever since I can remember, I have been a procrastinator.  I don't necessarily wear that title as a badge of honor, but I do own up to it.  I can understand why we do it in our younger years...we have an incessant need to test boundaries and understand the ramifications of what happens we cross them.  But why do some of us still carry it into our adulthood, including me?

Growing up, I'll admit to being a lazy child.  I found excuses to get out of doing my chores, I put off doing homework for as long as I could, and I hated going outside to play, opting instead to park my chunky butt in front of my TV.  As I grew into my teen years, I started to realize the ill-fated effects of procrastination and laziness.  I was overweight, did poorly in school (as well as placed in the lower percentile of classes for high school), and had to learn why doing chores were important.  Overtime, I managed to eradicate (most) of my short-comings.  I lost the weight, went to college, and can say with confidence that I have all the essential skills it takes to coping with struggles associated adulthood.

As an adult, no one ever accused me of being lazy or unreliable.  In fact, most of my friends and maybe even co-workers turn to me as the reliable, dependable, and well-rounded person.  If there was ever a task that needed completion, and possibly under constrained circumstances, I am the go-to person to help get the job done.

That being said, I still find myself in a state of procrastination and prolonged laziness.  As of late, I find myself procrastinating when it comes to grad school.  In about about a week and a half, I have two 15-20 page papers due, and I can't find myself to start them.  Yes, you heard right--two 15-20 page papers.

I'm sure some of you would find that task amateurish and easy to overcome, while others of you would find it daunting and something to cry about with a tub of ice cream in your lap.  I fall somewhere in between.

I wonder to myself whether my lazy knack from my childhood is coming back, or possibly that it never went away and all these years of suppressing it was just me denying me true nature?  Or perhaps, procrastination is a manifestation of my subconscious feelings that I refuse to let this case, I hate grad school and the program I'm in.  I might blog about my dissenting feelings towards my grad program later, but in short, I feel as if I'm wasting my time and talents, which could have been put towards better efforts elsewhere.

I know I can accomplish this task, even if it will be no easy feat.  The real underlying problem is not getting these papers finished, but my bitterness and resent towards my time in grad school.  I realize that I'm very close to the finish line and that I am on course to graduate this spring, but nothing feels worse than recognizing you wasted your talents on something you invested so much of your time and money in to.

In the meantime, I have using youtube and mindless website surfing to ease my pain.  Here's a favorite video of mine from one of my all-time favorite Disney films (sorry, Scott):

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